How Desserts Lose Calories: My Theory

After years of careful scientific research,  I have discovered that food can lose its caloric content under certain conditions.  I’m not talking about after you eat half of it, either.  This thesis, which I firmly hold to be true, gives a little break to all of us who gain weight if we even see a drawing of a donut.  Here it is:

High calorie foods, such as cakes, cookies, ice cream, pastries, pies… you get the picture… lose caloric content when:

They are dropped on the floor.

When they are stale.

When they are given to you by someone who doesn’t want them.

When left over.

When eaten from the container.

When slightly burnt.

When overcooked (different from being burnt).

When eaten reluctantly (food guests force on you and you have to eat some to be polite).

When someone who is a bad or indifferent cook makes them.

After the cat has sniffed them.

When reduced to crumbs in a pocket/purse/backpack.

When eaten other than in their native environment (i.e., ice cream on a cold day, pie in the garden, batter-dipped cheesecake-onna-stick at the fair.  No, wait, that is its natural environment!).

When eaten onna-stick, unless they are supposed to be onna-stick, such as ice cream bars.

When eaten with an unusual complimentary food (donuts and Corona) (something about food combining, like making a whole protein).

When taken medicinally.

When washed down with a diet drink.

When eaten en masse at one sitting (like the heavenly cranberry biscotti my wonderful neighbor makes every Christmas.  They are MINE.)

When eaten with a plain green salad (they cancel each other out). (If you add sprouts to the salad, you can have seconds on the cake.)

When eaten instead of a regular meal.

Of course, this theory doesn’t work if you plan to do any of the aforementioned.  You can’t drop a cookie deliberately and then eat it (ten second rule or no) and expect calories to break off and go skidding around the floor.  This works only when you forget to set the oven timer and the brownies come out dry, but you eat them anyway.  Or if you are laying kitchen tile and someone brings donuts and someone else brings a six-pack.  So what it comes to is this: there is a reward for clumsiness and forgetfulness.  We should embrace and reward our faults.  With sugar.

I hope this theory aids you in your diet.  If you have any corroborating evidence of your own, please comment.  Someday I’ll write a paper on my findings and send it to medical journals.  Won’t they be surprised!